Dear Teenie Bopper:

Congratulations are in order! You apparently have a new driver’s license. With that license comes a great deal of fun, and a lot of responsibility. However, there are certain things that they didn’t teach you in driver’s ed.

First of all, my apparent air of casual disdain is not actually an attempt to seem “hip,” “cool,” or otherwise encourage you to associate with me. It’s not an air at all — I really don’t care. I’m happily married, you look twelve years old to me, and I only “pulled up alongside” you because that’s where the stop line for the traffic light was.

Second, pulling up next to you is not an invitation to race. It’s what happens at a red light. I didn’t even notice what color hair you have, whether you were pretty or not, or even if your passenger was male or female. It’s a complete accident, it might happen again, and hopefully I won’t need to write you another letter.

Third, swerving back and forth in your lane is a sign that you’re an idiot and shouldn’t be allowed to drive, not an indication of how good a time you’re having. Tell you passenger very quietly, “Whee” if you really feel the need.

Fourth, if your car’s zero-to-60 time is only measured in whole seconds, because no one cares whether it does it in 14.5 seconds or 14.6, don’t bother revving your engine at the car next to you as an invitation to race. You’ll verge on losing to a Prius, much less an actual car.

Fifth, that was my Audi that smoked your mom’s Toyota sedan without trying.

Sincerely,

X

Mr. Anonymous